Self-care for single mums: my Horny Self

My Horny Self.

I am so fucking horny. My last episode of physical intimacy was in November of last year. Here we are in the middle of May and I haven’t had any since.. I haven’t made a vow to be celibate per say, but I have made a promise to myself to do things differently than I have my whole life so far.

There has been a cute and hot guy who I have been very loosely doing the lets meet for a fuck dance with for the last couple of years.. He is ten years younger than me which is edgy in itself.. the age story certainly has brought up beliefs around my body and what it should, could, would look like, over the time we have been on and off in touch…  But more recently, I am not worried about that at all, and my quick fantasies are about having ‘empowered’, easy sex and not letting it, the non relationship sex… bleed into my life.

The thing is though, a perk of working on oneself and exploring the universe and internalverse with  powerful psychedelics, is… well.. I am super sensitive to energy. I eat a spoonful of dessert and I’m high off the sugar and am aware that I have moved into in a different dimension.

I know… boring to list this as a significant reason not to indulge. But I really don’t want this mans energy to be something I have to navigate if we are not building proper intimacy.

Sometimes we need to hear it from a friend.

“Don’t fuck him if you are gunna be in a shitty process after” S messages me, as I explain my horny dilemma to her. She is right, I know it and now I have heard it spoken (typed) by a loved and trusted one, outside of myself. It is harder to ignore.

The truth is, my inner child doesn’t wanna be fucked by a rando.. My adult self doesn’t want to be in a vulnerability hangover the next day.
My inner child and adult woman self want the love, holding, true intimacy and connection that comes from meeting someone who is themselves in mature adulthood. Who has enquired within and met their shadows, who can rise to the bold ask of love and growth in action, and not run. Who is confident in themselves, purposeful and aware of their value and gifts, who is individuated and self accepting. Who is a representation of divine union in human form.

As soon as I allowed myself to feel the self-love that this deep desire gifted me, it was no match for the horny teenager.

As I sit on the grass with my laptop writing this, my heart is dancing with gratitude at the playfulness of life and the parts of us that, on the surface feel like they want different things. After a moment of digging though, they are unified and wish only for the deepest of deep loves, and I can give that to myself.

Much love xxx